He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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