I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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