Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
