last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
