did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
