I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
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He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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