i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
