My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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