Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
