Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
