In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
