So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
