My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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