Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
