Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
