I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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