Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
