Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he was CRYING into my vagina
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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