is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i wish my penis had a tongue
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
