I'm jealous of your bromance
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
