Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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