You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
