she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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