I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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