There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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