I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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