The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
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When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
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He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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