i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
A bitchslap is in order.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
