i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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