he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
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Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
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