I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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