Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
