a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
