Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
