can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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