Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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