I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
