If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"