I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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