When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
