from now on my penis is your penis
It's Friday. Sex?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
