Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
