i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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