I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
