I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
false alarm, still single
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