Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
