Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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