i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
