whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
