So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
