So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
