Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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