the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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