I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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