someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
